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finally.
finally common test's over.

i knew that i screwed everything up, and that it has seriously affected and dampened my mood.....
but .....
but i'm still holding onto that last glimmer of hope that i can at least score a B3 for every subject.

i know its contradicting to keep reducing the no. of As u have set as your target...
but thats what i seem to find myself doing right now.

and its making me really sadd..
i find myself to be so...
so.....


why cant everything just go well for me?

why?.....

its not that i dont wish to believe that i can do it, its just that i seem to find my confidence decreasing every now and then.

that kind of pressure, is just too hard for me to take it.
but if i try to relax a little, i'll find myself worrying about everything again.



and i've said that i wanna be strong; not like some idiot who tears easily.
a girl at my age should be even more matured in her way of thinking, not just remain stagnant.
i dont wish to be the odd one out.

past experiences has made me scared and it did really leave a permanent scar behind.
as though a curse, it can never be lifted from me.
the only thing that i can do is to just try my best to be part of it.


but am i trying too hard?
too hard to the extend that i'm gradually losing my real self?
i dont wanna wake up everyday and feel puzzled when i look into the mirror,searching beneath for the real me.

and i dont even wish to deceive myself that i'm still me.
when i'm not.


many a times i have said before that smiling is my way of hiding all my frustrations and everything.
its my way of hiding.

i know that i'm escaping but...
now that everything has changed, i dont know who i can talk to.

its like, all(most of ) my closest friends have left me.
like they have all progressed onto their next stage,and have also found their right places.
whereas im all alone, standing there watching the happy expressions on everyone's faces.


forget it.
i just cnt go on anymore.
i'll probably start tearing up again.
its just,
just too hard and painful for me to bear...